peace out, march + april

It's no secret that scattered serves me best.  I am the absolute hybrid of organized and impromptu.  I have been nearly all my life.  I can remember pacing the floors in my Holly Hobby nightgown wee into the hours of morn procuring just the right stature for my bedroom. Yes, at 7 years it mattered to me the status of my Barbie dolls or that my coloring books might just need a good dose of order.  Wee hours, people.  

I made my bed completely on my own by the time I was 4 years old.  Hospital corners were the equivalent of bagfuls of candy all to be eaten at my very own discretion.  My pulse elevated and spiked pointy beams of endorphin rainbows when it was time for tasks.  Those ROYGBIV rays glowed with an effervescence quite comparable to what moon walking might feel like when they were on a whim as opposed to planned. 

So, yeah.  Monthly record keeping is a massive stretch for me.  I leap at the thought of sequential and measurable.  And then I nose dive into  what one might call mayhem to make all the bells and whistles on the back of the sugary cereal box come true.  I cut out box tops and draw my line from start-to-finish on the treasure map in pencil most certainly NOT pen. Digging my lead deep into the cardboard exterior only to know that erasing is just who I am.  

Yes, a hybrid.  A collection of time.  Of energy not quite peaceful but grabbing at purpose and hoping it looks poised.  And moving nonetheless.  My hospital corners this year revolve around the word, texture.  It's the word I've chosen to salute in 2015.  Texture really is the best tee shirt a hybrid of organized & impromptu can wear.  It's composed of the perfect length and stretch fabric with a certain cute comfy factor, too.  And there's some weathering around the edges.  Unraveled or exposed seams just to secure the, "SQUIRREL" state of myself.  

January and February were delivered with militance and hearty drive.  I listed and camped out with my highlighter to cross off the ever-lovin' second that the task was , in fact, mastered. Highlighter fumes felt good to inhale.  

Yet, there's this other side of me that was dying.  Withering like a shriveled cactus in the desert of highlighters and lists, I would try to weep for spontaneous' sake. But my right hand shook its pointer finger in my left hand's face and it got ugly and resentful there in my ticker just the same. After I pulled the two off of one another in what would seem a quite stellar cat fight complete with hair pulling and the "b" word screamed a time or two, an epiphany occurred.  I am texture.  I am the hospital corners and the unconfined moments of impromptu.  I am the highlighter sniffer who gets high on her checklists and the pencil over the pen just the same. Erasing is just who I am. 

March and April taught me that.  They taught me with cat fights and "b" words and fingers pointed too.  And the cactus inside of me was nourished with a well spring of impromptu.  I give you my last two month's of texture.

read

There are huge chunks of time that are meant for still.  For soaking and for finding nothing more than words to tattoo upon your heart.  I completed 3 reads the past 2 months. Writing Down The Bones, Swan House and Traveling Mercies. These three reads changed me.  Good books can do that.  And these 2 months of reading have reminded me that my still is just as important as my hustle.  

friends

A long weekend to Nashville with my husband and wonderful brother & sister-in-law.  Front porch sitting with good friends.  Off-the-cuff slumber parties for the boys and a little girl weekend with a sweet friend's daughters.  Yes.  Yes to all of it.  Time for laughter and for sharing far outweighs the euphoric highlighter sniff.

get out

Fresh air. Finding things.  Feeling free.  The absence of walls and of washing clothes and unloading the dish washer.  It's everything I plan to make more of a priority in my family's life. These 2 months of out have been so vital to my in.

stay in 

The past 2 months we've been working on purpose.  Not so much in the micromanaging sense where we are ridiculously tied to routine, but in the let's plan it and make it happen mindset. Puzzles, game nights, movies we've been hopeful to see and a new found addiction to Netflix has been such sweetness inside our 4 walls. 

touch

My people and in my space.  It's a difference maker.  I spent time seeking the snuggle. I found Kenny's hand more as he found mine.  I remembered little baby forehead wrinkles as I've stroked big boys' hairlines, too.  Time is fleeting and touch is the best collector of minutes for me.

let go

I snapped this image back in mid-April.  They opted to cross together.  Minimal conversation with paramount concentration on the goal.  Surrounded by the unknown and the external uncontrollable elements, they moved.  In the now only. The past 2 months I have done this very thing.  Letting go of the idea that I have control has been hard on this highlighter sniffing freak, but so very necessary for the cactus there inside me. How can I ever thank God enough for loving this hybrid like me? By moving in the now and reminding myself the value in being the eraser.

more word of the year articles